I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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