She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
