my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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