Where are you?
In a non slutty way
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
