Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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