my being single is dangerous.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
