I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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