apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
