yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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