yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
