I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
