I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
