I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
