At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
