You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
