We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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