Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We were destined to go to rehab together
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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