Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
