Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
