All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
