I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
