Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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