the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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