Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
