He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
