my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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