dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Swine flu. Run for my life!
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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