Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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