I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
