Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
