I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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