Apparently you make a good broom.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
