I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
