Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
