actually, I'm a sock model
wanna go halves on a baby?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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