i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
