Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize