I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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