She went from zero to smokin in five shots
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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