i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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