The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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