Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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