Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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