remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Come see our sink grown plant.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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