my phone needs a breathalizer
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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