We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
