last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
