I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He passed out mid-signature
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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