just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Pooping to opera.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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