Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
