you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
