you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
