new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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