every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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